When one begins the foster and/or adoptive home study process, there are many (hundreds, maybe?) questions asked.
One thing that always seemed awkward was family traditions. When you create your home life, most habits & traditions happen so naturally, that you never even think of them as "traditions".
Even so, you have to rack your brain to make it sound like some tasks are traditions... even though it seems odd.
For example, praying before eating a meal can be considered a tradition. Reading a story or having a routine at bedtime can be considered a tradition. Reading the nativity scene on Christmas Eve as a family. Attending the local Pumpkin Festival each fall as a family. You get the picture!
One of the traditions we created after becoming a foster home was Friday Family Fun Night. If you know me, you know I like to have silly and/or obnoxious names for things. But, it sticks, right? About a year ago, my husband & I decided to keep every Friday night a family night for just us three. Sometimes, we are invited to eat dinner or share another activity with someone else & we will modify our FFF Night, but we always try to honor family time whatever we end up doing on Friday evenings.
Recently, a few things made me think that maybe the Family Fun Night wasn't so silly.
Our nephews live in a small town about 1.5hrs away from us. Because they are also home schooled, we get to see them on occasion during the weekdays. A few months ago, we spent a Friday afternoon with them. When the afternoon ended, I was chatting with Little Bit & his Daddy about what we should do that night. It was our first FFF Night since J joined our family so it meant an extra special celebration. That night, the nephews couldn't join us, but we loved spending the time with them earlier. Now, fast forward to just a few weeks ago. We, again, saw them on a Friday afternoon & they had been asking their parents about joining us for Family Fun Night! I thought it was very sweet. So, last week, we were able to visit them in THEIR home & had a crazy evening of all five kids RUNNING around shooting Nerf guns at each other, singing, you name it!
The second "event" was the phone call when I met our daughter. She doesn't speak much on the phone & because I was also a stranger, it became a one-sided conversation! When I'm especially nervous (which I was), I can speak way too fast. And ramble. And, my husband will slightly roll his eyes & point out something that was completely un-related or weird in my tone/action. LOL. There were several adults on the conference call with K, so they prompted me with questions. One thing I felt silly about saying was that we have Friday Family Fun Night & explained that we sometimes watch movies at home, or go for a walk at the park, or whatever. I chatted about swimming in our local Springs, that we loved to hang outside as much as we could, I even mentioned Downtown Getdown. I still chuckle at all the stuff I was mentioning to explain our family life & traditions.
But...
But...
Family Fun Night stuck out to her!
When we met her & then she decided to come live with us not even 48 hours later, we began slowly getting to know each other. It was awkward, but wonderful. Knowing that we had chosen her & that she had chosen us gave us all a sense of comfort. When we returned to our home, she began making comments about Family Fun Night. Excited about what we'd do. Excited about spending time with Dad. She wanted to make sure to remind us that she wanted us to celebrate her entry into the family, too. I thought it was very cute & sweet & made me happy we made this silly-named tradition.
Now, we couldn't break Family Fun Night even if we wanted to! Our eldest son knows it's a scheduled activity so he doesn't complain much about it; our daughter looks forward it; & our youngest just enjoys it. (He doesn't really have the concept down yet about the days of the weeks & all, but I always remind him on Friday.)
Tonight is Family Fun Night. I'm not sure what we are doing, but I do know we'll be together. We will probably rent a movie & buy a few pizzas. But, we can officially add this to our family traditions when we renew our foster license in a few months. ;)
Hope you all have a wonderful weekend! We are spending tomorrow afternoon celebrating the birthday of a sweet baby girl we brought home from the hospital last year. She's adopted & thriving with her mama & daddy & I'm so honored to have been a part of their adoption journey.
{I do hope to update throughout the next few days about the challenges & joys we've experienced thus far with the placement of our sibling group J & K. It has been hard. There's been lots of tears, lots of laughs, lots of fear, lots of love. And, we're just starting...}
Friday, August 22, 2014
Monday, July 7, 2014
Table for Five?
For a little over a month, we have had J living with us for the intention of adopting him.
He has one biological siblinrg, K. We met K yesterday & spent a few hours hanging out with the two kids along with our biological son, E.
Okay, confused yet? :)
More than likely, you are reading this because you know us "IRL" & this serves as the easiest way to update our family & friends. We haven't tracked the progress of this adoption journey yet, but it has been a complete roller coaster of emotions.
J was so excited to see K. They've been separated since November 2013 & have seen each other twice since then. Neither of them care to talk on the phone, so they've not had much contact either. J hugged K for about 5 minutes while he told her he loved her. She brought him a gift: a new wallet & two framed photos. J spent the first 30 minutes or so talking to her about our dogs, our home, our extended family, & so many other things! We ordered our meal & once the conversation died down, we were able to ask K some questions. She was very sweet, but very quiet. She smiled a lot, but it was hard to wonder if she was accepting us or not. When we gave her the choice of going home or heading to the park, she wanted to go to the park. So, I interpreted that as meaning she wanted to continue the visit (for J or us, or both even).
Overall, the visit was pleasant. J remained engaged & active, E was able to speak to K some, & K seemed content. We found out she usually just watches TV on the weekends because her foster parents do not engage in activities with the children. During the week, she attends summer camp. Because we were trying to find out more about her, we asked if she'd ever been to an amusement park. She said no. I'm not sure she's been on any family vacations, either. J has been to Universal Studios once on a school field trip.
I realize amusement parks are a luxury, but... it hurts my heart to know these kids have been in foster homes for nearly 8 years & it seems they've only existed in the foster homes. No family trips. No family involvement in the inner workings of WHO these children are. Just getting by. No concept of unconditional love. No grandmas or grandpas. No cousins to grow up with & form memories. And, no trips to Disney. Even the short times we've had foster babies, we've included them in each activity of our lives.
Each step, or obstacle, of this journey has only emphasized to me the need of good, loving, foster homes. Homes that will love these children, even if they're only in the home for a month. Even if it hurts more than you can imagine. Because, each of these children need LOVE. Need a hug or kiss & someone to be excited about them. Someone to support them & make them feel worthy of love. That these children are not an inconvenience or a bother, but the apple of your eye. There is a serious need for loving parents & siblings. (I'm not sure how we can squeeze more beds in, but I've already told N that we will need to figure out how to take it at least one more foster kid at a time.)
Back to the current situation...
Both kids wants to be together. J feels a tremendous amount of pressure to have this work for his sister. Not pressure placed by anyone but himself. I think he feels this is his last chance to be adopted & also be adopted with his sister. It's his way of taking care of his sister. He has made it clear on several occasions that if this doesn't work with K, he doesn't want to be adopted alone. We respect that. And, after seeing their bond in action yesterday, we think they need to be together, too. We know K wants to be adopted with J, but we do not know how K feels about the visit. I'm sure she's meeting with her therapist to share her perspective & decide what she wants to happen from here.
We have a court hearing in the morning to update the court on our time with J. Both kids will be there so that their voice is heard. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about either child changing their mind about adoption or if anyone else in attendance could cause issues. But, at this point, we've done the best we can do. We have to trust that the outcome of the hearing tomorrow is God's leading. We hope that we will be awarded adoptive placement dates for both children.
I plan to update once the court hearing is done.
Thanks for your prayers, everyone!
He has one biological siblinrg, K. We met K yesterday & spent a few hours hanging out with the two kids along with our biological son, E.
Okay, confused yet? :)
More than likely, you are reading this because you know us "IRL" & this serves as the easiest way to update our family & friends. We haven't tracked the progress of this adoption journey yet, but it has been a complete roller coaster of emotions.
J was so excited to see K. They've been separated since November 2013 & have seen each other twice since then. Neither of them care to talk on the phone, so they've not had much contact either. J hugged K for about 5 minutes while he told her he loved her. She brought him a gift: a new wallet & two framed photos. J spent the first 30 minutes or so talking to her about our dogs, our home, our extended family, & so many other things! We ordered our meal & once the conversation died down, we were able to ask K some questions. She was very sweet, but very quiet. She smiled a lot, but it was hard to wonder if she was accepting us or not. When we gave her the choice of going home or heading to the park, she wanted to go to the park. So, I interpreted that as meaning she wanted to continue the visit (for J or us, or both even).
Overall, the visit was pleasant. J remained engaged & active, E was able to speak to K some, & K seemed content. We found out she usually just watches TV on the weekends because her foster parents do not engage in activities with the children. During the week, she attends summer camp. Because we were trying to find out more about her, we asked if she'd ever been to an amusement park. She said no. I'm not sure she's been on any family vacations, either. J has been to Universal Studios once on a school field trip.
I realize amusement parks are a luxury, but... it hurts my heart to know these kids have been in foster homes for nearly 8 years & it seems they've only existed in the foster homes. No family trips. No family involvement in the inner workings of WHO these children are. Just getting by. No concept of unconditional love. No grandmas or grandpas. No cousins to grow up with & form memories. And, no trips to Disney. Even the short times we've had foster babies, we've included them in each activity of our lives.
Each step, or obstacle, of this journey has only emphasized to me the need of good, loving, foster homes. Homes that will love these children, even if they're only in the home for a month. Even if it hurts more than you can imagine. Because, each of these children need LOVE. Need a hug or kiss & someone to be excited about them. Someone to support them & make them feel worthy of love. That these children are not an inconvenience or a bother, but the apple of your eye. There is a serious need for loving parents & siblings. (I'm not sure how we can squeeze more beds in, but I've already told N that we will need to figure out how to take it at least one more foster kid at a time.)
Back to the current situation...
Both kids wants to be together. J feels a tremendous amount of pressure to have this work for his sister. Not pressure placed by anyone but himself. I think he feels this is his last chance to be adopted & also be adopted with his sister. It's his way of taking care of his sister. He has made it clear on several occasions that if this doesn't work with K, he doesn't want to be adopted alone. We respect that. And, after seeing their bond in action yesterday, we think they need to be together, too. We know K wants to be adopted with J, but we do not know how K feels about the visit. I'm sure she's meeting with her therapist to share her perspective & decide what she wants to happen from here.
We have a court hearing in the morning to update the court on our time with J. Both kids will be there so that their voice is heard. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about either child changing their mind about adoption or if anyone else in attendance could cause issues. But, at this point, we've done the best we can do. We have to trust that the outcome of the hearing tomorrow is God's leading. We hope that we will be awarded adoptive placement dates for both children.
I plan to update once the court hearing is done.
Thanks for your prayers, everyone!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Update Overdue
I'm taking a bit of a break from Facebook & hoping to rekindle some of my former loves...
Journaling Through Our Blog!
Throughout 2013, we experienced a lot of change. A lot of upheavals in the inner workings of our home through foster care. We brought in & out 5 foster children. We learned a lot through the process. We have cried a lot through the process. And laughed. And loved. And hurt.
We did renew our foster license, but haven't received any placement calls/requests since our last foster child went to her adoptive home right before Christmas. Although I'm not sure we would accept a placement right now, I still feel a little eager knowing they could call anytime. It would be hard to say "no", but hard to say "yes", too. Hmm... Does that make sense?
We have defined our strengths & weaknesses regarding foster children during this past year. I'm sure this will vary placement to placement or even month to month. We seem to have a difficult time getting placement calls because we request that the children NOT be forced to go to daycare. As a stay at home mom, we prefer the foster child/ren stay at home with me & little E to facilitate a sense of normalcy as our family unit operates.
This seems to be an issue, because most children seem to be required to be in daycare. (One aspect of this makes sense: If the child is local to our area & is already established in a daycare facility, it would be best to keep the child in the same daycare to keep at least one aspect stable. This has not been the case in our placements.)
And, in theory, that is best. I'm sure it is in reality, also, but can functionally be difficult.
Because we participate in a Classical Conversations community that has completely full childcare, it makes our meeting time more difficult. One week, towards the end of our semester, I had both our sweet 2mth baby girl (we'll call her TAB) & a short-term placement of a 20mth boy. I had to take both of them along with little E into the 3hr teaching portion of our coop meeting. Talk about stressful. With advanced notice (like months & months), I would've been able to get the toddler into the host church's childcare. With fostercare, I don't know literally day-to-day sometimes if I will need childcare or not. With the baby, it is understandable that most moms of teeny littles would take their child into the coop time. But, again, with planning this is much easier. The knowledge of a child coming into a family allows better preparation for the arrangements.
I felt like I spent the first semester of little E's "official" home schooling experience just getting used to all of the many home visits & additional appointments TAB required. Not her fault, certainly, & still worth caring for that sweet girl... But, stressful. Discouraging. Overwhelming.
In our normal lives, I like to be able to plan a bit in advance. This is difficult to do in our experiences thus far with fostercare. These children still need a loving home, no doubt, but it is definitely an aspect I hadn't been forewarned about or thought about until we were in the mix. And we have been honored & humbled to care for these children. We don't regret any of the placements we were given & accepted!!
Like the first foster placement we had of 18mth twins that were court-ordered to attend daycare. At no time during our MA.PP courses or home study visits was this mentioned as a possibility. At nearly midnight, when the children were dropped off, that was the only concern the case manager had... For me to get them in daycare. I was able to find a wonderful facility that was amazing & I would recommend in a heart beat, but driving 300 miles a week solely for daycare was draining!
I could describe our experiences further, but truly... the negative aspects pale in comparison to the impact these children have had on our lives. I am not sure what fostercare will look like for us this year... Will we go more than half of the year without a placement? Will we simply help other foster parents by watching their foster children during a hospital stay or trip? Will we become a permanent home for a foster child waiting?
We just received notice, yesterday, that our adoptive home study has been approved. This is a different home study than our foster home study, but lots of the same questions & visits.
We've already expressed interested in several sibling groups & a few single children available in the State. Now that we have our adoptive home study, we send it out, receive information from our agency & the children's agency, & see if we may be a match for each other. We could have nothing come from any of the cases we emailed about or we could potentially be matched & meet a child in the next few months.
We are both excited & anxious at the thought of adopting. We've grown to be tender towards the children that are more difficult to place in adoptive homes... older children & sibling groups, specifically. It is heart wrenching to hear children asking for a home with no more requirements of the family than to "take both of us" or "be loving, be good". Wow.
We are praying & remaining as open as we can to what the Lord may have in store for us. Adoption will make our lives messier, more inconvenient, crazier... But, if He wants us doing that, we will. We will love another's child as our own, we will take them in with open hearts, & trust that His plan is amazing for us & for the child or children.
Our one & only, for now, little E has been amazing. He's taking workshop classes with his Nana J & has already made a bird house, a name plate, & several car projects. He loves using his personal, sized-for-little-hands, hand drill, saw, sand paper, scr.ewdriver, hammer, & saw to create things. He can recite his safety rules & loves going over to spend time "working like Daddy". He is a sponge full of knowledge & loves going to our CC meetings each Monday; his tutor, Ms. Natalie is like a rock star. He participates in the classroom recitations & does a presentation (aka speech) each meeting. But, really, he mostly is looking forward to going to the playground afterwards to play. :)
As far as goals go for 2014, we are hoping to go camping more. I'd like to complete a half-marathon (in April). We will be heading out of town for trips (another perk of home schooling). I'd like to journal a lot more. I am ashamed of the things I've already forgot that little E did a year or two ago... I want to write these things down so that I can remember. And he can. Other than that, I'd like to enjoy our lives each day. I want to say yes anytime my child asks me if I can help him or read to him or see the beautiful watercolor creations he made. I want to invest each day. Because, even though in foster care, we know we may only impact that child for a day... it is true of our child, too. Any day could be our last day with him & I want to cherish each day for the miracle it is. The miracle of a son that we weren't sure we'd ever have. And God has given us an opportunity to teach him & love him each day we spend together.
Love to you all!
Journaling Through Our Blog!
Throughout 2013, we experienced a lot of change. A lot of upheavals in the inner workings of our home through foster care. We brought in & out 5 foster children. We learned a lot through the process. We have cried a lot through the process. And laughed. And loved. And hurt.
We did renew our foster license, but haven't received any placement calls/requests since our last foster child went to her adoptive home right before Christmas. Although I'm not sure we would accept a placement right now, I still feel a little eager knowing they could call anytime. It would be hard to say "no", but hard to say "yes", too. Hmm... Does that make sense?
We have defined our strengths & weaknesses regarding foster children during this past year. I'm sure this will vary placement to placement or even month to month. We seem to have a difficult time getting placement calls because we request that the children NOT be forced to go to daycare. As a stay at home mom, we prefer the foster child/ren stay at home with me & little E to facilitate a sense of normalcy as our family unit operates.
This seems to be an issue, because most children seem to be required to be in daycare. (One aspect of this makes sense: If the child is local to our area & is already established in a daycare facility, it would be best to keep the child in the same daycare to keep at least one aspect stable. This has not been the case in our placements.)
And, in theory, that is best. I'm sure it is in reality, also, but can functionally be difficult.
Because we participate in a Classical Conversations community that has completely full childcare, it makes our meeting time more difficult. One week, towards the end of our semester, I had both our sweet 2mth baby girl (we'll call her TAB) & a short-term placement of a 20mth boy. I had to take both of them along with little E into the 3hr teaching portion of our coop meeting. Talk about stressful. With advanced notice (like months & months), I would've been able to get the toddler into the host church's childcare. With fostercare, I don't know literally day-to-day sometimes if I will need childcare or not. With the baby, it is understandable that most moms of teeny littles would take their child into the coop time. But, again, with planning this is much easier. The knowledge of a child coming into a family allows better preparation for the arrangements.
I felt like I spent the first semester of little E's "official" home schooling experience just getting used to all of the many home visits & additional appointments TAB required. Not her fault, certainly, & still worth caring for that sweet girl... But, stressful. Discouraging. Overwhelming.
In our normal lives, I like to be able to plan a bit in advance. This is difficult to do in our experiences thus far with fostercare. These children still need a loving home, no doubt, but it is definitely an aspect I hadn't been forewarned about or thought about until we were in the mix. And we have been honored & humbled to care for these children. We don't regret any of the placements we were given & accepted!!
Like the first foster placement we had of 18mth twins that were court-ordered to attend daycare. At no time during our MA.PP courses or home study visits was this mentioned as a possibility. At nearly midnight, when the children were dropped off, that was the only concern the case manager had... For me to get them in daycare. I was able to find a wonderful facility that was amazing & I would recommend in a heart beat, but driving 300 miles a week solely for daycare was draining!
I could describe our experiences further, but truly... the negative aspects pale in comparison to the impact these children have had on our lives. I am not sure what fostercare will look like for us this year... Will we go more than half of the year without a placement? Will we simply help other foster parents by watching their foster children during a hospital stay or trip? Will we become a permanent home for a foster child waiting?
We just received notice, yesterday, that our adoptive home study has been approved. This is a different home study than our foster home study, but lots of the same questions & visits.
We've already expressed interested in several sibling groups & a few single children available in the State. Now that we have our adoptive home study, we send it out, receive information from our agency & the children's agency, & see if we may be a match for each other. We could have nothing come from any of the cases we emailed about or we could potentially be matched & meet a child in the next few months.
We are both excited & anxious at the thought of adopting. We've grown to be tender towards the children that are more difficult to place in adoptive homes... older children & sibling groups, specifically. It is heart wrenching to hear children asking for a home with no more requirements of the family than to "take both of us" or "be loving, be good". Wow.
We are praying & remaining as open as we can to what the Lord may have in store for us. Adoption will make our lives messier, more inconvenient, crazier... But, if He wants us doing that, we will. We will love another's child as our own, we will take them in with open hearts, & trust that His plan is amazing for us & for the child or children.
Our one & only, for now, little E has been amazing. He's taking workshop classes with his Nana J & has already made a bird house, a name plate, & several car projects. He loves using his personal, sized-for-little-hands, hand drill, saw, sand paper, scr.ewdriver, hammer, & saw to create things. He can recite his safety rules & loves going over to spend time "working like Daddy". He is a sponge full of knowledge & loves going to our CC meetings each Monday; his tutor, Ms. Natalie is like a rock star. He participates in the classroom recitations & does a presentation (aka speech) each meeting. But, really, he mostly is looking forward to going to the playground afterwards to play. :)
As far as goals go for 2014, we are hoping to go camping more. I'd like to complete a half-marathon (in April). We will be heading out of town for trips (another perk of home schooling). I'd like to journal a lot more. I am ashamed of the things I've already forgot that little E did a year or two ago... I want to write these things down so that I can remember. And he can. Other than that, I'd like to enjoy our lives each day. I want to say yes anytime my child asks me if I can help him or read to him or see the beautiful watercolor creations he made. I want to invest each day. Because, even though in foster care, we know we may only impact that child for a day... it is true of our child, too. Any day could be our last day with him & I want to cherish each day for the miracle it is. The miracle of a son that we weren't sure we'd ever have. And God has given us an opportunity to teach him & love him each day we spend together.
Love to you all!
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