After this past weekend, I've thought much about the connection I have with my child.
It's not just an emotional connection, but for us it is also physical & hormonal connections that tie us together.
On Friday, Squishy's birthday, he spent many hours in the carseat while I drove around buying last minute items for his birthday party.
Disconnected.
On Saturday, I woke up earlier than the boys & started hauling stuff out to the van for the party. Made macaroni & cheese. Fielded some calls. Prayed the rain would stop for the party. Drove to the park to begin the set-up. The whole length of the party, I was either refilling trays or chatting with all the guests. Squishy wanted to be down walking everywhere & playing in his own world. No time for Momma & I didn't feel like I had enough time for him, either. Then, I had to rush home to change into scrubs to head to work that afternoon. I got home around 11.45pm that night.
That whole day felt disconnected. With both baby & daddy.
Then Sunday began with a trip to church. Where, you guessed it, we were separated again. Squish-Squish went to nursery & Hubby-Bub went to teach the Youth group lesson. I'd be lying if I said I pretty much didn't think about him the whole time. And missing him. After church, we went to lunch with my family, then rushed out to get home in time for me to change into scrubs & head to work again.
Then, as soon as I grabbed my bag to head inside, I realized I forgot my pump. Baby is eating more "real" food & so I pump on during breaks to provide milk for his dinner & night-time snack. But, I was soon remembering that physical connection. I began worrying about how I would get through the shift. My stomach began aching & I physically felt sick. I had a hard time concentrating enough to speak to Hubby about my predicament. I couldn't answer questions clearly & felt on the verge of tears. Thankfully, my husband was wonderful & happy to come to my rescue. He drove home, then the 20miles to my job, & delivered food, the baby, & my pump. It was such an exciting moment. I hate missing most of the day with my guys on the weekend & was so looking forward to seeing them, too. We talked & I nursed & my evening became so much better.
So, even though I crawled in bed @ 11.45pm, I was so excited about the next day. Because Monday, I got to...
reConnect
I missed my little man so much & could not handle being away from him much more than those two shifts every other weekend. I think initially, after his birth, I was somewhat disconnected with him. Subconsciously. B'feeding was so difficult & I had to return to classes so soon. I am not sure why. But, when my maternity leave ended when he was about 4mths old, I couldn't fathom leaving him. I know others are better mothers because they work & others have bills that must be paid, but I could not do it. And, we assumed this in the beginning. So, we saved & cut expenses & planned for me to stay home.
And I've never truly regretted it. Sometimes going over the finances leaves me wishing I worked, but then I quickly remember what I'd be giving up. My job is amazing in that it's very part-time, great pay, & allows Squishy to remain with his parents all the week. But, it still leaves me disconnected every other weekend.
On that note, I will head to bed now. My two favorite mens in the world are sleeping soundly in the next room & I shall retire there, too.
Here's a quick photo of Baby & one of his great g'mothers. I think this is so cute!
